


Nozomi's Senpai

by plazorr



Series: After the disband [6]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Canon compliant (as much as possible), Drama, Drama & Romance, Evolution, F/F, Friendship/Love, Nozomi is the narrator, POV First Person, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24796018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plazorr/pseuds/plazorr
Summary: During her 1st year in Otonokizaka, before µ's was created, before even meeting Eli Ayase, Nozomi was a lonely girl. However, someone approached her. A 3rd year girl that would teach her about love and friendship, someone that would have a huge impact on her future life.
Relationships: Toujou Nozomi/Original Female Character(s)
Series: After the disband [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1416325
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Nozomi's Senpai

**Author's Note:**

> For this fic, i'll consider that Eli and Nozomi met during their 2nd year. This is (i think) the only contradiction i'll have with the canon of the anime.

My name is Nozomi Tojo. Most people know me as a member of the school idol group µ’s. It really had a huge impact on my high school years, and it would be easy to think that my last year was the one that marked me the most. Even though my third year was amazing with µ’s, even though my second year where I began to work with Eli at the student council was very rewarding, I feel like my first year was the biggest one. It’s not one I like to talk about because it brings back some painful memories, but I got told that speaking it up might make me feel better. So, here I am, telling you my story and Katrina’s…

I had just enrolled at Otonokizaka. I was a first year and I was not from the city. This meant that I didn’t know anyone there. I should have been used to it by then, but it always hurt when I arrived at a new school to see all the other girls hanging together. I wished I could have a group of friends like them. But my third year was still far, and I was there, alone and unable to find the courage to talk to anyone…

I used to travel a lot because of my parents. We kept moving from house to house, from prefecture to prefecture and I kept moving from school to school. That time, they promised me that we would stay in Tokyo until I finished my studies. Well, at least, I would stay. They were already back on the roads on the first week of my first schoolyear. So, I was staying alone at home when I would get back from school. To be fair, I didn’t expect them to stay home with me for that long. I was used to that part.

### Middle of April

It had been two weeks since I had started to attend Otonokizaka. That day, just like any other day, I was sitting at the school’s library and eating my lunch. The woman who supervised the library was a friend of my parents and she allowed me to eat there during lunchtime as long as I cleaned my place once I was done. That way, she could also tell them what I was up to if, by some sort of miracle, my parents decided to have some interest in me. I usually preferred to stay on my own during lunchtime. Seeing the other girls with all their friends around me was sometimes too painful.

On top of it, I could read nice books as I was eating. I had already read books about history, science and occultism so far: I was interested in various topics, I was curious. However, the one that captivated me that day was about geography and far countries in general. I guess I owed this passion for the world and travelling to my parents. Reading also didn’t require me to have people around me, it was my natural escape from my loneliness. Sure, it would have been fun to talk about them with someone, but I didn’t need it.

That day, I was reading a book about western Europe and its history when I heard the sound of someone coming closer, from behind a bookshelf, out of sight. I guessed it was the supervisor coming to tell me it was time for me to leave. I put a bookmark inside the book I had taken and was going to hand it back to her, thank her for allowing me to stay here and then go back to my classroom. I’d finish it the next day. However, the person who appeared wasn’t the supervisor. It was another student.

I understood she was a third year when I saw her bowtie’s green color. She had long jet-black hair which she let loose, falling to her waist. I blushed a bit when my eyes noticed the size of her chest: I didn’t often see a girl who probably had the same issues as me. She was also very tall: probably close to 1m70 from a quick glance, putting my 154cm to shame. Her brown eyes scanned the room and stopped on me. She firmly moved in my direction. I thought I was going to be in trouble for breaking the law and eating here…

“Hey there.” She started, smiling. “The supervisor is feeling sick and she’ll have to close the library earlier. She told me to come find a first-year girl somewhere here to let her know she must depart too. I guess that girl is you.”

At the end of her sentence, she winked at me and I felt a bit weird inside. Nobody, except my parents, had been so familiar with me. Even though I fully knew she was probably simply an easygoing girl and she probably talked that way with everyone, it felt nice, nonetheless.

“Alright.” I said as I grabbed my stuff and moved to her. I checked behind me if I hadn’t forgotten anything, but I had everything I had when I arrived. I looked at my feet, too nervous to look the girl in the eyes. “I guess I’ll just leave this book on her desk on the way out.”

“Oh?” She suddenly stopped me and grabbed my book. I was scared by the contact when she took it. “I read that book too. It’s very interesting. My father is Japanese, but my mother is from Europe and I love learning about it. This book is a true goldmine.”

I looked up, lured by her talk about my current reading. I got even more scared than I already was when I noticed how close to my face her breasts were and I moved back a bit. My trouble and the squeak I let out didn’t escape her attention and she laughed softly. My face must have been as red as a tomato at that moment.

“Aw, that’s so cute. Did it never happen to you? Did you never accidently trip and got your head close to another girl’s boobs or something like that?”

Her smile seemed sincere, but her words were blades tearing through my flesh. I lowered my head again and moved in the direction of the supervisor’s desk.

“I have no friends, that’s why I stay here…” I said as I put the book in a place where the supervisor would find it when she’d come back. I was about to run away with my shame when a hand landed on my shoulder and I got pulled in from behind for a hug.

“Oh, little cutie pie…” The girl had a soft voice and her hands on my shoulders were making me feel a bit better. “I can become your friend if you want. You seem to be a very gentle and interesting girl.”

### Start of June

Katrina and I were laying side to side on the roof of the school. The sun was beginning to go down and the stars were lighting up the sky. She sat first, not caring about her hair making a mess on the ground. She never liked brushing her hair or making a ponytail out of it, refusing to bring order to the black chaos on her head. She was a natural: no fancy hairstyle, no jewelry, no make-up, only the things nature (and genetics) gifted her.

We usually talked about just anything. It would range from the books we were reading or ones we wanted to try to a thing one of us had seen on the television. She also talked about her family often. Katrina’s parents were rich, and they traveled all around the world with her: her scholarship was even weirder than mine. At least, my parents always stayed in Japan, but Katrina had studied in China, the United States and even France. Her father was a big name in the world of real estate and her mother a famous mannequin, she really had the best of both with her splendid body and sharp mind. She loved to tell me about her travels everywhere, she was such a great narrator I could swear I was there with them when she was telling me about it. I sometimes felt a bit bland around her, but she showed some real interest when I was speaking about my family, my passions or my dreams for the future.

We weren’t allowed to stay at night inside the school. However, Katrina really wanted us to go there for my birthday. I had been speaking about stargazing for some time now and she had decided to make this a part of my birthday gift. I was already very happy to watch the night sky with my friend; I had no clue what she could do to make the night even better. I was impatient for the sun to disappear so the stars would be visible, but we still had to wait a bit more. I took the opportunity to ask her something that had been on my mind for some time now.

“Katri? Why did you decide to be friend with me? You knew nothing about me and yet you asked me if I wanted to be your friend.”

She turned her head to me and smiled. It was the kind of smile directed at a child who had asked something along the lines of “Why do I need to eat my vegetables?”. I felt a bit stupid about asking such a question suddenly.

“It’s easy Nono. My instinct told me it was the right thing.”

“Your instinct? I don’t see you as someone who trusts her instinct blindly.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Well there’s also something else. I was thinking about giving you your other birthday gift later, but I might as well do it now since it’s relevant to what you are asking now.”

She started rummaging through her bag and took out a small box wrapped in gift paper and gave it to me. I was surprised by how the conversation had evolved but I was too curious about the box to underline it. I opened it to reveal a deck of cards. The back was decorated with dark blue diamonds and had a weird black symbol in the center.

“I always thought that tarot was pretty fun.” Katrina said. “Sometimes, I don’t know what I should do, and I use this deck to help me decide.”

“Really? You don’t seem like the type of girl to believe in occultism either.”

“Oh, I don’t believe in that Nono. However, if what the cards tell me displeases me and I end up thinking I would have preferred another answer, I can be sure that it’s what my heart truly wanted. The morning of the day we met the cards told me that I should try something new and open my heart to the unknown. I thought you were new and unknown and decided to learn more about you. I’m glad I did it because I can’t imagine my life without my Nono anymore.”

“I see…” I was happy about her words, but I was conflicted about the part where she talked about not following the cards’ advice if she didn’t want to. I personally thought that there were gods up above, watching over us and that this could be a way to understand what they were telling us. If the gods were telling me something, I didn’t want to ignore it. My train of thought again didn’t escape her, as if she could always read my mind. It was frustrating and satisfying at the same time, realizing someone finally understood me but I was unable to hide anything from her.

“I know you are much more into spiritual stuff than I am and that you could have a different opinion on it, but the result would be the same in the end. If you have a problem and you can’t find the answer, just pick a card and see what happens. I bought this deck a few years ago, when I traveled to Russia with my parents and it helped me a lot ever since. But today, I feel like you should be the one using it. I don’t need it anymore and I’m sure it will serve you better. Besides, that way you’ll remember me even after I graduate.”

I looked at her as she said those final words and saw that she was a bit uneasy. I fully knew that this was her last year. I saw the results she got during tests: there was no way for her to repeat her year. Despite being aware of it, I hadn’t really acknowledged that we would eventually be separated, that I would be alone again for my second year. But I knew that this wouldn’t be the end for us, that we would still be friends, even if we weren’t in the same school anymore.

“I love the gift, but I won’t need a deck to remember you.” I said as I hugged her. “No matter what happens to us, I’m sure we will stay friends. But thank you, I’ll be sure to put it to good use.”

I could feel a bit of tension as she hugged me back: she seemed to be just as happy as me. After moving away from each other, I pulled a few cards and she explained the meaning to me. I already knew some of the things related to tarot, but it wasn’t perfect, and I was happy to have her tell me the meaning of the cards I didn’t know. We continued until the sky was filled with stars. When it happened, she laid on the ground and I followed suit, letting my head rest on her shoulder. She had her hand resting on my belly, our fingers intertwined. She used her other hand to show me the constellations filling the night sky. I already knew a lot of things about the stars, but her knowledge surpassed mine. I listened to her until falling asleep. When I woke up, I noticed she fell asleep too and didn’t move.

This night is stuck in my memory as one of the most beautiful birthdays I ever had.

### End of August

“Katri! Katri!”

Just like every day for the last weeks, I was running to the woods near Otonokizaka. This was where Katrina and I would go to be alone together. There weren’t many people passing by, and we could simply hang out together. It’s not that we wanted to keep our friendship a secret, but rather that Katrina had met people during her two first years who had been harsh on her. Having non-Japanese blood coursing through your veins was sometimes the easiest way to attract disdain or hate from the other students. I didn’t care about that; I saw her for who she was: a nice and interesting girl I liked to spend my time with.

We were near the end of our summer vacation and I was a bit sad. The end of summer meant that we would see each other less. I would have to go back to my days alone in class, waiting for lunchtime and the end of the day to see her again. We talked about it recently and she told me she felt the same way as me about us, that she would be sad to no longer spend all of her days with me. I was overjoyed when she said those words and I had trouble keeping from running around screaming my joy.

Our meeting place was an abandoned pond in the woods. It was away from the main road: it was no wonder that it got forgotten. There was an old bench too, but rain and time got the better of it. Katrina knew a thing or two about manual work and we decided to repair it together. It took us around a week of treating the wood, painting it and then treating it again, but we did it in the end. It was fun doing it together.

When I arrived near the bench, she was already there. She turned her attention to me when she heard my steps and smiled. Her smile always made me feel better when I was feeling a little down. She had that superpower which allowed her to brighten my mood whenever I saw her. She didn’t have to use it to cheer me up often though: the fact that I had a friend, a best friend even, was enough to make me a much more positive girl than I was before. However, that day I noticed a bit of sadness in her eyes, as if she was the one feeling down this time. I decided to not ask her about it. I thought that she’d talk about it if she wanted to, I didn’t want to force her explaining something she’s not comfortable with.

“I finished the book you lent me last night. It was awesome! I didn’t know such animals existed. Australia seems to be such a fabulous land! Did you read the book I …?”

I interrupted myself when I noticed the tears in her eyes. She looked at me and I looked at her. After a few seconds, she snapped and began to cry loudly on my shoulder. All I could do was put my hands on her back and slowly pat her. I had no idea what was going on, but I wanted to be there for her.

“Nono, I don’t know what I would be without you…” She said crying.

I wasn’t sure I understood what was happening and why she felt the need to tell that to me this way.

“You know, I spent my two first years at Otonokizaka without a single friend. The other girls didn’t want to try to know the half-breed as they called me. I… I’m so happy to have someone in my life. And not just someone, but you. I love you so much Nono. Life will never be easy I think, but as long as you’re with me, I know I’ll be alright.”

As she said those words, I began to cry too. I knew what she had been through, but I never knew how scarred it had left her. She never showed anything, preferring to smile at life and have fun with me. I understood that we were even more similar than what I thought. I also felt something weird growing inside me, my heart pumping faster. I needed her as much as she needed me. 

After that day, she told me about her troubles more. She was very worried about her future. Since she was in her last year of high school, she had to start planning for what she would do after leaving Otonokizaka and she was scared. She didn’t tell me the details, but there was one particular thing that was heavy on her. I questioned her a bit about it, but she really didn’t want to tell me anything about it. I guessed I should have to wait to learn more about it then. Seeing her break down like that made me more at ease to talk about more serious stuff about me too, like my pains and things that hurt me. We grew even closer from it and I started to understand that a true friend is someone present in the best and the worst moments. I knew I could rely on her.

Katrina really was my best friend.

### Middle of November

I was nervous as I was walking alone to go to Katrina’s house for the first time. Her parents were gone on a romantic trip for their anniversary and she was staying home alone too. She told me this was a great opportunity to show me films from their travels. There was no reason to be uneasy, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Her house was massive, maybe it would be more accurate to call it a manor. The building was surrounded with high metal fences and Katrina was waiting for me at the fence. Despite the low light, I could see her eyes brighten as she noticed me. She ran at me to greet me but was a bit awkward as she hugged me. We moved inside her house and she showed me around.

The manor had a multitude of rooms I didn’t understand. There were two kitchens, three bathrooms and five bedrooms. Since Katrina lived alone with her parents, I didn’t see the need for so many rooms. She told me that she thought the same as me. Her parents said that a big house was a good way to cement their position of power to whoever comes visit them, to show them who the richest was. It was just another example of how different the world she grew up in was different from mine.

We sat in the living room with two bowls of popcorn. She had prepared a slideshow with photos from her travels. She started by showing me images from Europe. While she usually was a great storyteller, something felt off that day. She was weirdly nervous; she kept stuttering and was shaking as she used the remote control to change slide. We were looking at pictures of her when she was 11, playing with penguins in Antarctica, when she suddenly stopped talking. A few months prior to that day, I would have been lost and wouldn’t have known what to do. But I had grown, partly thanks to her, and I knew that I had to make her talk, even if she didn’t want to share everything with me.

“I can see you have something on your mind Katri.” I said as I grabbed her hands. “If I can help you, I want you to talk to me about it.”

“Nono… I do have something to tell you, but it’s not easy for me to say it… I’m afraid you will not want to stay with me anymore after I tell you”

She was fidgeting as she said it. I also noticed she wasn’t looking me in the eyes. I thought that I was becoming better at reading emotions. She was also trying to free her hands, but I didn’t want to let her go. She had to see how much I wanted to help her.

“Katri, let me help you…” I said with my warmest smile. “You know you are my best friend and you mean the world to me. I want to do what I can to make you feel better. There’s no way I’d reject you.”

I could see that my words had an impact on her, and she seemed to relax a bit.

“Alright… I’ll tell you…”

I let her hands go.

“But first, please close your eyes Nono. It will be easier for me that way.”

I did what she asked of me without questioning her. I could hear her taking a deep breath and felt a pressure on the sofa, right next to my leg. I opened my eyes wide in surprise as I felt her lips on mine. She was very delicate, and it felt like a caress. One of her hands had moved to my cheek and was resting on it.

I had never considered the possibility of Katrina becoming my girlfriend. To be fair, I hadn’t considered anything about my love life. I thought that someday, I’d meet a man, fall in love and that I’d see where things went from there. I didn’t expect my first kiss to be a lesbian one. And yet, I wasn’t weirded out as much as I would’ve believed. I was hit by the initial surprise because I didn’t expect her to have those kinds of feelings for me, but the kiss itself didn’t feel wrong. It was actually the opposite. I almost felt as if I had been unconsciously waiting for it.

After a few seconds, I felt her starting to move back a bit, just enough for our lips to separate, keeping her forehead pressed to mine. She was keeping her eyes closed and nervously bit her lower lip. Her face was still only centimeters away from mine when she started talking.

“I’m sorry I had to put you through this Nono…” She said with some sort of regret tainting her voice. “I couldn’t keep my desire for myself anymore. I would understand if you wanted to abandon me and…”

I stopped her from saying anything more by putting a finger in front of her mouth. It was her turn to open her eyes in surprise. I was smiling at her, my most sincere smile. I was a bit hesitant when I moved my hand to her own cheek, mimicking the pose she had earlier.

“It’s alright.” I said with my softest voice. “Everything is alright.”

It was my turn to move in and initiate a kiss.

### End of January

“Do you still hear anything Nono?” Katrina whispered into my ear.

“I think they’re gone…” I said as I slightly moved out of our hiding place to have a look, confirming the girls that almost surprised us was gone. “Pffff, that was a close one…”

We were in the middle of one of our secret dates near the woods when I had heard footsteps coming close. Katrina was kissing my neck and giggling, so I guessed she hadn’t heard them. I quickly pushed her in a nearby brush and followed her. She was about to question me, but I used my arm to gag her. I put my finger up to tell her to listen. She understood me without any word and nodded to show me she had perceived the threat.

She once told me that there were a good number of girls wanting to have fun together at school. So, it wouldn’t be something crazy dramatic if everyone learned that two girls were dating. However, Katrina was worried that our relationship came to her parents’ ears. They wouldn’t really like that their daughter was having fun with another girl. Mine would probably not care the slightest. I hadn’t seen them for three months now and I wasn’t even sure they still remembered I existed.

I didn’t feel like our relation really changed after our first kiss. We kept talking about the same things as before for the most part. If we were alone together, without anyone else nearby, we would sometimes kiss some more, but that was the only difference in the beginning. When she came to visit me at home, we would end up cuddling too. We didn’t want to rush things. We had been a couple for a bit more than two months and I was starting to feel the urge to go a bit more physical. However, she had already told me that she wasn’t really at ease with the idea of having sex yet. Besides, she implied that it could be a nice reward for when the exams would be finished.

As time passed, she was starting to be more demonstrative with her affection though. When we interlaced our fingers, I could feel that she was playing with her thumb on my palm. She would also sometimes very timidly try to stick her tongue out a little during a kiss. It usually surprised me when I felt it touch my teeth. When she felt that I was tensing a bit, she immediately withdrew it inside her own mouth, and it meant that it was my turn to try to make her at ease. Her latest whim was suddenly pulling me to the side of the road we were walking to bury her face in my neck, kissing it or biting my ears. This was what she was doing when we nearly got caught.

“It’s alright Katri, we can come out. There’s no-one around.”

“What if we don’t?” She said with a playful voice.

I looked back in her direction. She was sitting on the ground, completely hidden from view. She was playing with her hair a bit and had an inviting smile. I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going.

“Katri, I don’t really want our first time to happen here…”

“Hey, that wasn’t my plan either. You’ll have to earn that part by succeeding at your own exams. Come down now, before anyone else arrives!” She said as she gestured me to sit with her inside the brush.

I sighed and followed her lead. I felt like this relationship had helped me mature faster while her own age was regressing. Yet, I still saw her as the model I always considered her to be. I wanted to follow her. So, I was sitting inside the brush with her, hidden from view.

“I still want to go a bit further with you Nono, but not that far yet.” She said with a soft voice, still a bit worried that we might get discovered.

I probably became white as snow when she removed her vest and shirt, only keeping her bra covering her upper part.

“Touch them, play with them. But be aware that everything you do to mine you allow me to do to yours. You may also use your head if you prefer.” She said with a nervous wink.

“What? Are you sure? You don’t look very sure. I don’t mind waiting, don’t feel forced to rush things for me.”

I would probably have been more convincing if I had looked her in the eyes as I said it, but I couldn’t look away from her breasts, who seemed to invite me for a trip I would never forget. She must have found it amusing because she laughed and caressed my cheek, playing with her thumb with my upper lip. My resolve to resist her weakened a lot.

“I wouldn’t have told you about it if I didn’t feel ready for you. Come on now before I catch a cold.”

She grabbed my hands with hers and put them on her bra. I stood petrified at first but started to move my hands after a deep breath. At first, I simply moved them in circles. She didn’t react much, so I started pressing. She appreciated it and I went a bit faster. I liked touching them, I could definitely get used to it. Katrina moaned a little as I got the hang of it. I kept doing my things for a few minutes and ended with a slap on her left boob, which surprised her, and looked at her full of defiance.

“Are you sure this was your first time playing with breasts? You are really good at that.” She said as she put her shirt and vest back on her. “But now, it’s my turn to show you what I’m capable of.”

I was proud of myself. I was so excited I almost ripped my cloths when I took my shirt off. This wasn’t really like me to be like that, but something had woken up inside me. Something that could only be sated by Katrina’s hands as they would explore me. Well, for now, it wouldn’t be a deep exploration, but I wasn’t in a hurry. I was sure we would eventually reach that point.

I closed my eyes and flexed my chest, getting ready for her. She cracked her knuckles and began her own fun. I could feel that she was as nervous as me when she started.

For the longest time, I didn’t like my reflection in a mirror. I wasn’t the slimmest girl and it complexed me a bit. I wasn’t fat either of course, I had meat. However, at that moment, Katrina’s hands made me love my body. She was shier than I was, but I loved what she did to me. Actually, I didn’t only love what she was doing.

I loved her and I felt that it was the start of something great.

### Middle of March

I couldn’t believe the year had gone by so quickly. I felt like I had met Katrina just yesterday. But no, this was almost a year ago. Back when I thought I’d never find someone, back when I thought I was alright with that. I realized how foolish I was. My life had been much better since she had started to be a part of it. And then, we became more than friends. I was still not completely used to being gay. I simply loved my girlfriend and I didn’t want to look at anyone else the way I looked at her, no matter their gender. In the end, I was probably not homosexual nor heterosexual. I was Katrinasexual.

I was preparing for when she would arrive at my house. The last exams happened the day before. As a consequence, I had reminded her of her promise: it was time for us to have our first time together. Since my parents were not home (again), there was no danger that we’d be interrupted. She was a bit reluctant when she accepted to come at my house, as if she didn’t really want to. I knew she wasn’t telling me something.

I was used to her secrets now. I fully knew she wasn’t telling me everything. Lately, I even wondered if she was telling me anything. I loved her with all of my heart, but sometimes I felt like she didn’t fully trust me. When talking with her, I had no taboo anymore: I’d tell her anything important to me or anything I wanted her to know, without thinking about the consequences. I had sometimes the impression that it only happened on my side and that she didn’t dare to tell me some things. I didn’t understand because whatever she would tell me, I knew I would have accepted her. I loved her.

However, I was slowly realizing that maybe this feeling of love was not reciprocal. I was trying my hardest to spend as much time with her as possible, but for almost a month she always found a good excuse to refuse. She wasn’t even eating every day with me anymore. We barely saw each other after school and, even then, we wouldn’t talk much. She would kiss me, caress me, touch me, but nothing more: the passion of the first times wasn’t there anymore and those caresses felt soulless. She was telling me she had to stay away from me because she had to study a lot for her exams, that she also didn’t want to distract me from mine. I didn’t buy those explanations for a single second. I had learned she had a photographic memory and didn’t need to study a lot. This was why she could read so many books while keeping such high grades. I was really hoping that our first night together would be the occasion to rekindle our flame.

I heard someone knock on the door. I undid the first button of my shirt since I knew it was her. Nobody else would visit me anyway. When I opened the door, Katrina was there. I told her to enter the house and wrapped my arms around her as I closed the door. I pressed my lips on hers, but she didn’t kiss me back. I moved away to notice she wasn’t even looking at me. I feared I had understood the problem before she had said anything. When I forced her to look me in the eyes, her expression confirmed my fears. She didn’t love me anymore.

“Katri… What happened? What did I do wrong?”

“It’s not you Nono, it’s me. I…”

She grabbed my hands. I instantly felt something different, something cold, something that was on her ring finger. I put our hands up, where I could look at them. I was almost blinded by the diamond on her engagement ring.

“…I’m sorry I never told you about it. I was sincere when I told you I loved you, but it needs to stop now. My parents and me have other plans than what we have you and i.”

“When did it happen?”

“Pardon?”

“When did you accept to get engaged with someone else?”

“It was at the end of October. My parents presented him to me during a reception and since we got along nicely, the marriage was arranged. His father is working as the head of a car brand. The wedding will be profitable to both of our families.”

“October. So, before our first kiss...” I said with my coldest voice. “I guess you couldn’t wait for him and wanted to use me to sate your lowest instincts.”

I dropped her hands and angrily moved to the living room. Since she didn’t try to defend herself after I said that, I concluded I was right. It was never love for her, it was just playing around and sating her lust, but I was so blinded by what I felt for her that I never saw it until that day. I sat on the couch and buried my head in my hands. The sound of my heart was pulsing through my ears, but it didn’t keep me from hearing her steps moving closer and feeling the moment she sat next to me.

“Nono, you truly were special to me. I wouldn’t have done it with anyone else. Even now, I truly love you… but as a friend. This is also why I didn’t want to go too far with you: I can still look at you and see a friend. It wouldn’t have been the case if we had… you know?”

“How dare you tell me that!” I screamed those words at her, which made her slightly move back. “What you did to me, that’s not what friends do to each other Katrina! Friends do not touch each other like that! They do not touch each other’s breasts like you touched me and I touched you! The stop sign was way earlier than what we did!”

I interrupted myself, hardly breathing and wiping tears from my eyes. She was taking my words in, stoically. 

“And most importantly, friends do not use each other like that. You made me believe in something, but you knew you would never give it to me… You didn’t care about my feelings. You only thought about yourself and what you wanted for yourself. I trusted you but you used me like a toy.”

“Nono, that’ not…”

“Do. Not. Ever. Call. Me. Nono. Again.” I said with rage burning in my eyes. “You lost the right to call me like that.”

“Nozomi, I’m sorry.” I could see that calling me by my full name was not natural for her anymore. “You’re right, I fucked up. I do not expect your pardon, I understand I won’t get it today. But I hope that you will understand someday that it wasn’t easy for me either. I wish I could still be the carefree girl I was at the start of this year, but there are things we’re not allowed to continue when we grow too old. I believe this reality will hit you too someday.”

“Just leave this house please.” I said as I stood from the couch. “I don’t want to see a traitor like you ever again. Keep your big words for those who still believe in them.”

I moved to the kitchen and took a glass. I tried to control how much I was shaking as I poured some water in it. I was trying to stay strong. It was hard: my eyes were full of tears and I was feeling stupid. I was angry at her, at me, at everyone. After some time, I could hear a faint farewell from the entrance and the door open and close. It was the last time I would see her.

The sound of the door closing was what made me break down. I dropped my glass and let myself fall to the ground. Shards of glass were surrounding me as I was crying all of my tears. These shards cut my knees and a few drops of blood mixed with the water, but I didn’t care. Nobody was there to comfort me anymore. I was alone again.

I didn’t know anymore what friendship was, I didn’t know what love was. The difference between a friend and a lover was blurred. Limits had no sense anymore. I couldn’t leave my house for the next days. It didn’t matter because school was done, and nobody was waiting for me anymore. Those days probably completely shattered a lot of my conception of love and friendship, leaving me scarred for the years to come.

Those were the hardest days of my life.

### Start of April

I was still depressed when I departed from my house to Otonokizaka for my first day as a second-year student. Katrina was haunting my dreams every night and I couldn’t chase her away from my thoughts during the day. I was going back to what my life was before meeting her: loneliness.

I had spent the night before sobbing and praying. I didn’t really know what I was praying for. I hoped that the gods would tell me what I should do to feel better. I promised them I would do what they wanted if I could see a way out of my sorrow. My night was short, filled with nightmares but devoid of any answer to my wishes.

I was the first one arriving in the classroom and sat at my desk. I chose that one because it was in the back of the class. I didn’t want anyone to come to me. Not yet; it was too soon. I would simply listen to the teacher and do what they would ask of me. I would get out of school with my diploma and nothing more. I took a book I hadn’t finished yet and read it to pass the time.

I didn’t need to wait for a long time until other students arrived. I didn’t pay much attention, but a lot of them seemed to have a new student as the center of their conversations.

“Uhrr, are you sure the Ice Queen is transferring to our class? That sucks…”

“I heard she had to change class because she had punched another girl so hard, she broke her jaw.”

“If she thinks a half-breed like her will be welcome here, she’ll have a big surprise when she arrives.”

I had heard rumors about this Ice Queen last year but didn’t pay much attention to her and her stories. She was in the same year as me, but in a different class. It was a half-Russian girl who always looked cold to everyone. Nobody really liked her it seemed. I wasn’t very surprised however: a lot of girls here had a strong bias against foreigners. That girl was probably just as lonely as I used to be before I met Katrina, just like she was before meeting me…

I kept reading my book without paying more attention. The discussions around me were getting louder and louder as more girls were arriving. Then, it suddenly stopped. I guessed the teacher had arrived, but it wasn’t the case. A blonde student with a high ponytail had entered the room. Her clear blue eyes scanned everyone, the look of someone you shouldn’t mess with. I got chills when they stopped on me. I had met the Ice Queen, Eli Ayase.

The first thing that hit me was the strong aura she had. It is hard to put words on what exactly I felt. A mix of attraction and fear. She was special, I could tell that, but I had no will to try to have another friend so soon after what Katrina had done to me. And for a lover, that was out of the question too. I still didn’t know what it meant, and I didn’t want to put someone else through Hell for my own selfish desires. I understood she was a dangerous one, one that would probably have an impact on my year. I didn’t know what kind of impact it would be though. To be exact, I didn’t want to know what kind of impact it would be.

She sat on the desk in front of me. She was ignoring the gazes of the other students fixed on her. She simply started to organize her desk. The teacher arrived soon after her, making any bullying attempt fail before the girls could try to mess with her. We had to present ourselves to the class and I was surprised by how confident she looked. I was right: she was special.

When the lessons for the day ended, I was flustered. I didn’t know what I should do about her. I was lost in thoughts when I bumped into someone on my way home. It was a shrine maiden who was handing out fliers since the shrine she was working at was recruiting new girls to work there. I apologized and she handed me one of them, telling me to not worry about it. I absent-mindedly put it inside my bag and got surprised when my hand hit something I didn’t expect.

I pulled my tarot deck out of it, the one Katrina had gifted me soon after we met, for my birthday. I had forgotten about it. There was a time where I would pull out a card at any time, just for fun. But those days were gone. I was about to throw the cards in a trash can, just like I wanted to throw away all my memories of her, but something kept me from doing it. There was this voice inside my head telling me I shouldn’t throw it away. Instead of throwing it, I picked a card and looked which one it was.

Change. This was what I was hoping for in a way. Changing my pain into the joy I remembered I was feeling during our first weeks together.

I picked another one.

Adventure. The card that decided Katrina to initiate her approach on me.

I picked a third one.

The Empress. But, not exactly. I had understood for a while now that some cards were not exactly what they should be. The person who had created it in Russia had taken some liberties with the original cards. The Empress was one of the changed cards. It was replaced by the Ice Queen.

I let out a deep sigh. The gods had shown me the way. And through this maiden trying to recruit girls for the shrine nearby, they had also shown me the way to repay them for their kindness.


End file.
